So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
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“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
Left at a local drug store…
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
💁🏻♂️
Breaking news:
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.