Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
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Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
Husband of the year 😂
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite