“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
You Might Also Like
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.