You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
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Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.