Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
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About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
For the orator and chef in all of us
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.