guys i’ve cracked the code
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#MeanwhileInCanada
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
Actually cracking up @ this
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
Just deep cleaned the whole house, so disaster should ensue in 3…2…
“MOM! CAN I MAKE A SMOOTHIE?”
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.