MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
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I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA