“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
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4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
That’s fair
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.