Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
You Might Also Like
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
Finally, an explanation.
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
7: so dolls weren’t invented when you were a kid either right mom?
me: for the last time it was just the INTERNET