Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
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Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
It was worth a shot 😂
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No