It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
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Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
Have kids, they said
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD