Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
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Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
For anyone who needs this today
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
They’re the worst 😩
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”