On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
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Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
Meow
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.