The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
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It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
Big Sex has us all fooled
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.