People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
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Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
MARIE KONDO: does this empty box spark joy?
ME: yes
MK: and this old iPhone 4 box?
ME: yes
MK: and allll of these Amazon boxes? do they spark joy too?
ME: yes
MK: and this other one over here with all of these smaller boxes inside it?
ME: yes
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol