– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
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Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
Pee pressure > peer pressure
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up