Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
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How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
Leonardo DiCaprisun
some things should go without saying
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
My work here is don’t.
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
I’d use my best pan on you.