I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
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Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
But if I get tinted windows, how will people see me flipping them off?
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over