*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
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Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud