Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
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ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
He is just living hist best little life 😊
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper