A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
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When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?