I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
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“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
thanksgiving should be called feaster
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*