Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
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I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
It’s probably too late to lose 50lbs by 2023
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
Yes, but it was never about money
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud