I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
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I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
found my next D&D character name
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.