As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
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Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.