Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
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I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?