tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
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In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
bury ourselves
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
Do not go gentle into that good night,
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them