[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
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[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.