Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
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“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?