A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
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therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
#Thanos #MondayMood
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”