When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
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I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
Does beer think about me too?
I resigned after being refused a pay rise and submitted six applications for my job. Mgmt gloated how far better candidates had applied to replace me. I gloated when none of them turned up for interview. Had to buy sim cards and create emails to pull this off. Totally worth it.
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.