If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
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“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison