My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
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Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something