“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
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Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
Home #decor warning.
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.