I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
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I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
Sunday
“Great, now I have to pee.”
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
is this how new cars are made??
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?