If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
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The future is now.
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
*seductively corrects your posture*
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
reading about the new film megapolis and it said that “audrey plaza plays wow platinum and shia labeouf plays clodio pulcher” and i panicked for a second that i’d had a stroke
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
No Google it does not
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.