Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
You Might Also Like
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.