“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
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My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
Hulu’s like I see you paused your show with 4 minutes left, would be a shame if someone were to…restart it from the beginning
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
not for long
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?