“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
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“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
We cut our bangs at dawn.
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.