I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
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this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
I’ve had worse
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep