“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
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Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic