[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
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WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
I didn’t come here to be called names
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
Said the murderer.