Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
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*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car