If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
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[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.