I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
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Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.