Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
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Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
🤣
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.