Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
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My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.