No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
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If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities