I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
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Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
After our fifth kid, I had a vasectomy but it didn’t work. I’m still a father.
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.