CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
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Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]